Reflections

Bristol is slowly sinking into our personalities, mine and Missouri. Slowly becoming our city. Very slowly. I keep asking myself if it ever will become our home, or rather just a stopover. It has potential, but for now, we are going away again! Yeah! This saturday we are heading to France. Definitely for 2-3 weeks, but maybe longer.. ;) I think I secretly planned longer already. Same as last time, but this time, we will do different things. Some places are going to be the same, some not. Also, I will be working on editing my movie "Psim Tropem" (Dog's Trail).

At Strawberry Hill near our house, good spot for reflections

During stay in Bristol I had some time to think about my recent experiences while I travelled. How it influenced my life. I also had some thoughts about what is important to me in my life. And also I realised, that doing that 1st step towards travelling years ago, or rather deciding to live in another country than my own, I kind of lost my roots. It's sad. But also made my tougher. Stronger than I was. More confident. I am not perfect. Every day I battle with myself to be better for myself. And for my dog.
I was offered a job. Maybe it wasn't the best in the world, but I could feel I could be good at it. Problem was, that I would have to spend about 12 hours a day out. I could even earn a lot. And travel too, as they work in different towns around. Also it was awesome, that work atmosphere with those guys, their office felt so good. Like never before in any job I have been before. Just the air was boosting my ego ;) But you know what: I didn't take it. Because I have Missouri. I have completely no regrets - I can't believe how easy was for me to say that. I spoke to main boss and explained that my dog is very important to me, that she is my companion and friend, and little bit like a child, kind of ;) He understood. He genuinely regretted my decision and told me that he can give me references if I ever needed (just after interview and 1 day training, what a amazing thing!) I know that I want to build my life around my dreams, and not my dreams around my life, because I might never find enough time, energy and money for it. Like sadly most of the people. I Hope I can make it.

Also, I started playing around with my drawings and pen graphics in Photoshop. I was keep thinking what could I do instead of making stencils. I love making them, but I kind of lack of space to make them and place to keep them - under my bed :) I know I could just go on the street like most of street artist do. But it just don't feel like it..

Fighting demons

It's been a week since we moved to Bristol. For some reason I believed that I will find a job in a few days. But no. I know, sometimes it takes even two months or forever for some! Well, not for me. But I kind of lost my drive, or maybe just got depressed that on so many posts I replied it was only one that I had call back. I even went successfully throughout the interview, but I can start proper training in a week time, and earning in two.. Well, that's not good enough for me. I am so impatient person - I want a job now ;) The good things about the job is that it's freelance - as I work as a self-employed. My earnings will be as good as my skills as a salesman. I know I can do this, but I'm kind of broke right now. Keeping me in good spirit however is the opportunity of going to France for fruit picking season. So I am not lost, but I still will have to find money to buy tickets to get there. I wish I could pay someone with my paintings. World would be much happier place if, like in old ages one could exchange goods for other things. I make art - but it's not easy to sell it. People not buy it, as this is not on their priority list of things to buy. But don't they like their homes looks nice? Well of course they do. So they go to Ikea or some other place and buy reproductions made in hundreds if not thousands copies. Some have friends who made art and so they have originals. But do they care? As long as it matches carpet, or walls it's ok. Only rich people care - if the piece of art they have, represent value of money. And its where the circle ends. Money. This days everything comes to money.
Almost.
Lucky there are still things you can't buy. They are free to everyone! :)

just like that ;)


But in a time of sadness it's hard work to keep positive. That's why I am fighting my demons.
I had an urge to paint today. To give myself to freedom of creations. Somehow in my mind art creation and money needed for living don't go along hand in hand. I don't know how to overcome this pattern?

homeless

HOMELESS - because your home is where your heart is

And so it happened. Me and my dog have moved last night to Bristol. New home (or just new house) new beginning. Scared, full of anxiety and sad. And that mixed up with the feel of freedom and new opportunities. I don't think I am gonna do much today. Even unpacking bags seems too difficult. Deep inside I knew I won't stay here too long. Or maybe I don't wan to? Or that this is not my home? Maybe not yet - maybe it will become my new home. Even Missouri senses that something happened. She walks around the house and cries. She senses that we won't go back to old house, we called home . She's been with me there for some time, it was her first home after taking her from her doggie mummy. For me, our previous house was just another on my journey since I left my mum's house 15 years ago. First it was to go to university. I spent last 15 years living with strangers, friends, other families, different partners.. Growing older and hoping to create my own home one day. Last house I shared, I really hoped it will be like a real home. I was renting it, but I treated it like it was my home. Caring for it. Yet - when I came back from my journey around the Europe - it felt weird, and not mine. There was no one really waiting for me. (Except my friends ;) My travel companion was with me - my Missouri. My man-friend stop being my man-friend some time ago already. My journey was just confirmation of things that ended long time ago. It helped me clear up my mind, and confirm of what I am looking for in my life. Apart from answers of who I am, where I am going to and what I am looking for, I also know for sure one thing - and I am saying it now consciously - that I wan to have home. My own home. My place I could call home. Whatever that means ;) It could be anywhere in the world.

 ---- xxx ----

Coming and going

I came back from a journey, and I am going away again. I wish it was for another journey like before, but this time a bit different.

Nothing stays the same, all is changing. Also my life has taken new form. I decided to move to a different town in UK. London become too crowdy, too dirty, too big and just too much. This saturday me and my dog are moving to Bristol. I hope this new place will bring more good things with it. Less people, smaller distances, new perspectives, new friends and new beginning ;)

Also I want to say to all my friends in here - London - I love you! I will miss you, but I am not going to forget about you!